remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
