We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
