I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
