soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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