Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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