Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
