fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
