I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
