The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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