is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
