Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
