I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
