i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you inspire me to be a worse person
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
