I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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