wat bout pragnant strippers??
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
