Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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