I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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