I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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