What did we do last night that was yellow?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
