I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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