Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
