im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
