You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
