remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
