I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
