I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
