She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
