The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
