Sry I called you an 8
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
