I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
