I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
