I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
