God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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