you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
