Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
