we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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