We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
