That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
