there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
