I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
