direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
