I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
