haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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