He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize