Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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