i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
