All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
