I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He shit in the fireplace
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
