woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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