I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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