her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
