I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
