Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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