Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
