Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My feet surprised me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize