my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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