By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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