decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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