My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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