in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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