She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
