i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
