Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
