I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
