I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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