My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
