There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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