You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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