Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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